Wounds of Our Minds

At this juncture of our lives, when the whole world is experiencing the crisis of the COVID-19 pandemic, all of us are going through enough psychological stress and trauma. Globally we have lost 1,041,537 lives as of 5th October 2020. Many of us are grieving as we lost our dear ones to the Coronavirus. Many are recouping from their battle with the Coronavirus. Many are afraid and anxious that we may get infected. Many of us lost jobs and are struggling to accept the new norms of working and living. Many are depressed, while many are going through domestic violence at home. Children too are badly affected by the new norms of education settings and systems.

Anxieties, fears, and uncertainties make us feel emotionally vulnerable. An emotional wound can happen to anyone, anywhere, any day. Physical wounds can be seen and addressed immediately. Even a small child knows a bandage is applied when there is a physical cut or wound. But psychological injuries often go unnoticed.

An emotional wound can occur with the loss of a dear one, an unexpected crisis, a traumatic event, love failure, divorce, emotional or physical abuse, rejections, and so on. Emotional injuries can be overwhelming and frightening. Every person has his/her unique way to cope up and go through the healing process.

The best way to heal from an emotional injury or a wound is ‘Grieving’. It may take a lot of time and patience to heal from any type of mental agony. Many physical symptoms such as crying spells, headaches, body aches, sleep disturbances,  feelings of hopelessness & guilt, loss of appetite, anger, aggression, and so on are experienced while grieving.

According to a theory developed by a Swiss psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler–Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying suggests that we go through five distinct stages of grief after the loss of a loved one or a reaction to tragic news or a crisis.

Though Kübler–Ross’s ‘5 stages of grief’  theory is criticized for the lack of empirical evidence, most of the individuals go through these stages when they experience a significant emotional change in their lives. According to Mark Connely, a management coach,

 “We may not go through these stages in a linear or step after step manner, instead we occupy different stages at different times”.

Let’s have a quick look at each of the stages.

Shock & Denial

The anger stage occurs when we understand reality and it starts to set in. Mostly we find someone to take the blame and shower all our anger towards them. The anger can be directed not only to a particular individual, but also to a situation, an event, a faulty system, and so on. Someone driven by strict religious values may blame God, some may be angry with themselves, some may get irritated with family members. We may even feel angry or upset with the person who is dying/dead, which is the very reason for our grief. “Why me?” or “this is unfair” and actions like punching the wall or getting irritated for everything demonstrates anger and frustration.

Bargaining

This is the stage where we try to regain control of what was lost during abuse or loss. The feelings of helplessness and vulnerability make us negotiate the possibility of doing things differently. We may end up saying “I could have taken a second opinion”, “If only he would have stayed back….”. Most terminally ill individuals and their family members bargain for more time. Religious individuals often bargain with supreme power.  Negotiating during healing is not a solution-focused approach, but simply an attempt to be normal.

Depression

The depressive or negative thoughts can set in as early as when the reality strikes. The realization that bargaining does not help much in regaining the power and normalcy makes us/them hit rock bottom. The intensity of sadness and emptiness can make the person negative and bitter. Here, the word depression doesn’t imply the mental illness depression, it only represents a depressed state of mind. When going through a traumatic event, the stage of depression is a precursor to one’s acceptance of reality.  This stage is often marked by long hours of crying, praying, just being silent and lonely and feeling withdrawn or detached.

Acceptance

Acceptance doesn’t imply that we have started feeling okay. During this stage, we are ready to face reality. In this stage, we understand that we cannot change or undo what happened or bring back those who died. Here we start looking for new and realistic possibilities to live a better life. We do not forget the person who caused the grief or the incident that led to it but start accepting the present moment. Acceptance helps us to go ahead with our daily functions, activities, and relationships. People in the acceptance stage have made peace with the realities of their life. “ My son is gone.. but I have to live on”, “ I will find a way forward”. In the acceptance stage, we start gaining energy and motivation to be hopeful and move on with our realities.

I Grieved too….

One of the most painful experiences of my life was when I lost my son. I was extremely grief-stricken. The physical exhaustion and pain from birthing to losing my child had broken me to an unimaginable measure. 

My first response was Denial. “This can’t happen to me. Maybe the doctors got it wrong”.  Then all I felt was Anger. I was Angry at the doctors, Angry with God. Angry at everything around me.  Then there was Bargaining: I bargained to God. Asked to put me through any other test but this. Then Depression took over. My physical health deteriorated and I found myself drowning in Postpartum depression. But, somewhere along the line I finally experienced Acceptance. “I lost my child. But, I have to figure out how to live on for my husband and daughters.” 

Acceptance is where the power lies. We find control in acceptance. I started looking forward to my girls and their lives accepting that my dear son is in heaven. It took me years, but I have made peace with my reality. 

So, how do we deal with grief?

The journey of healing through emotional injuries differs from person to person and requires patience, hope, stamina, resilience, and commitment to oneself. To recover and regain control of our lives, we need to find a good support system that can include psychiatrists, therapists, counselors, teachers, family, friends, and online/social media support groups. Long periods of isolation, having a victim mentality, and clinging to one’s misery is neither helpful nor healthy.

Grief is very personal. You may need weeks, months, or even years to recover and get back to living a life of content and happiness. However long or tedious it may seem, recovery is possible. Grief is not a linear process, it takes time and varies from person to person.

Accepting and acknowledging the emotions help us calm down. We need to embrace the pain bravely, instead of avoiding it. Mindfulness is a very good strategy that can be used for regulating emotions. We can practice mindfulness by bringing all our senses, sight, smell, sound, touch, and taste to the near objects that represent the current reality.

Coping with grief

Addressing our emotional wounds is the only way to heal. Scars may remain forever, but the intensity of pain reduces with time. Pen down your thoughts, this will help you heal and let go of pain. Many of us may find relief in praying, some in taking long walks, some in gardening, the choice should be yours. 

Seek out!  Take help! Reach out! Be active! Participate in activities that may make you feel good!!

Written by Habeeba Waseem. Content Developer and Writer @mindsonfleek