You, Me and the Drama 🔺

Humans love drama, but when it happens in real life, we do not enjoy the destructive storyline. Sometimes knowingly or unknowingly, we create drama in our lives, especially when not equipped with a balanced coping mechanism.

 Do you find people in such conditions? Are you trapped in a drama?

‘The Drama Triangle’, is a model of dysfunctional social interactions and illustrates a power game. It is described by  Stephen Karpman (A game free life), who is a pioneer in the field of ‘Transactional Analysis’. He was a student of Eric Berne, who was the first psychiatrist to apply game theory scripts.

When a conflict occurs in life situations, with the ineffective coping strategy, one may fall into one of the categories of the triangle, consciously or unconsciously. Before realizing it, it can turn into a comfortable lifestyle and habit. We tend to label people as drama queens/kings, victim-mindset, bossy, nosy, fixer, dirty politics…relating them to these particular roles. Sometimes we find ourselves in these roles, and the roles can be switched at any time.

The game of the “Drama Triangle” consists of three characteristics:

• Victim
• Rescuer
• Persecutor

Here all three roles are referred to as playing into it. Let me make this clearer.

I am not referring to the victims, who are the survivors of any kind of trauma, abuse, rape, accidents, calamities, or any such situation. While referring to the rescuers, I am not talking about lifeguards, medical professionals, soldiers, bodyguards, or anyone in the service industry. The persecutors are not referred to as the leaders, institutional/industrial heads, the bosses of companies, or anyone in power.

Cinderella- A Fictional Example

Allow me to explain the drama triangle in the context of a famous fairy tale: Cinderella. In a fictional setup, the hero/heroine rescues the victim/s from the villain/vamp. In this particular fairy tale-

The Victim: Cinderella (powerless, helpless, stuck, vulnerable, oppressed, hopeless, ashamed)

Persecutor /s:  Step-mom and step-sisters (critical, blaming, controlling, superior, keeping the victims oppressed, rigid, authoritative)

Rescuer/s: Fairy godmother, The prince Charming, the mice (enabler, pain reliever, keeps victim dependent, feels guilty when not able to rescue, gives permission to fail)

The role plays!

Victim Characteristics:   Wants to change the situation but not ready to take the responsibilities of life. The victim behaves like the damsel in distress and is constantly looking for a knight with armor to rescue.  A victim hopes for a miracle to happen so that their problems get solved magically. They want to be rescued from people and from difficult and challenging life situations or events. At times victims feel the efforts of the rescuer to be inadequate and blame the rescuers. Most of the time, the external dependency of the victims are not hidden.

Persecutor Characteristics: Unlike the fictional villains, they are unaware of their power and use it in a negative and destructive way. They bully or blame others and put up an act of grandiose. They set strict limits and keep victims oppressed. But the irony is that they end up feeling victims and defensive because of their fear of failure. Persecutors seek validation from targeting a victim to hold them accountable for their shortcomings. Many abusers use the power they own maliciously to control their victims.

Rescuer Characteristics: Rescuers feel good by helping others at first by neglecting their own needs. But they eventually end up doing most of the work and feeling used by the victims. When this scenario repeats many times, they end up feeling victims. Rescuers do not take responsibility for themselves but take responsibility for the perceived victim.  They encourage the victimhood by promoting the dependency of the victim.

Cinderella, the victim, was rescued by the Prince from the cruel and manipulative persecutors stepmom and sisters, and she lived happily ever after with her prince. The irony is that real-life dramas do not have happy endings. All three characters in real life  (Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor) believe that they are the actual victims and the actions exhibit it without consciousness.

Is there a way to escape the drama triangle??

It is not easy to get out of comfortable behavior patterns (even though it is unhealthy and destructive). But nothing is impossible if we put in a 100% focus and diligence while doing it. Most of us fall into the trap of vicious victim mindsets and get stuck in the drama triangle. 

Lets us see how to escape from the ‘Drama Triangle’ in three steps:

STEP I :  Have a third-party perception of your conflicts and issues. When a drama happens in your life (relationships, workplace, parents, children, institutions), stand out of the triangle and make mental notes of which dialogues you are adopting. You can write it down if it suits you, and then analyze and find out which character role you prominently play in those situations.  For Example,  You can write it down as “I took the role of ………… in the drama triangle, when …………… happened.” 

STEP II : Once you acknowledge the role you play (only for yourself), you can consciously make an effort to get out of it in the next drama or conflict. You can reject taking part in the drama triangle with some effort. Take a pause, take a deep breath, and question yourself. With consistency and soul-searching questions, you can fight the battle and not fall into the ‘drama triangle’ trap. Listen and Analyze your thoughts to control your actions positively.

STEP III : Use ‘The empowerment triangle’:   Switch the alternative roles of victim, rescuer, persecutor to ‘creator’, ‘coach’ and ‘challenger’ respectively. It is created by David Emerald and Donna Zajonic, solving and providing the solutions to the drama’s role dynamics ( The Power of TED the empowerment dynamics) by switching to better positive roles.

Let’s explore how to do it:

1.  Switch the role from Victim to Creator–

Take the responsibility of life and develop problem solving skills. Change the dialogues from ‘‘Please help me” to “I am capable of helping myself”. Stop saying “I need help”  and start saying “I can take responsibility of my actions and situations”.

2.  Switch the role  from Rescuer to Coach–

Promote independence and enable self-responsibility. Develop listening skills to understand self and others in a better way. Believe that everyone can solve their own problems and you can only support in finding solutions.  Tell yourself: “I do not have to be selfless and damage my self-esteem during the rescue missions.”

3.  Switch the role from Persecutor to Challenger-

Stop blaming others and start being assertive. Find out ways to put across your opinions without intimidating others. Challenge self and others to take ownership and responsibility of actions. Change the dialogue from “Its all your fault” to   “Let me find the actual facts and analyze before blaming”. Think and question, “What can I learn from my mistakes in the past?”

“The older I get, the more I realize;

I dont want to be around Drama and Conflict!!”

-Anonymous

The drama triangle creates lots of anxiety and anguish. We get exhausted playing the self-perpetuating mind game and get trapped unknowingly because of its toxic dynamics.

 Let us use the antidote described above and escape from it by empowering ourselves!!!

 Write to us about your story of empowerment!!

Written by Habeeba Waseem. Content Developer and Writer @mindsonfleek