My senior and Mentor once told me, “People take your kindness as your weakness”. I have contemplated this sentence for a long time. At that juncture, I could not understand what she meant, but as time passed, I decoded the real meaning of that sentence. Let’s understand this through a story.
In an ancient country village, lived a wealthy merchant named Antoninus. He was kind and helped everyone without holding back. His friends and relatives enjoyed the wealth of his without any restriction. He was always willing to give away money, goods, his time or any other help they asked for. He helped and entertained the villagers and strangers who visited the village. Initially, he felt good, and people praised his generosity. Slowly, Antoninus noticed that people’s demands were increasing rather than decreasing.
People had started to take him for granted and expected more and more. They became unsatisfied with whatever help was received from Antoninus, and he could sense invalidation and inconsideration among his people. He could not understand why those spiteful behaviours were directed at him. How much ever he gave them or helped them, that unpleasant they became.
Antoninus got worried and wanted an answer to his problem. He wondered what should be done to make his people and villagers happy. What or where was he doing wrong? Antoninus approached a philosophic master of that time and told the master about his dilemma. The master smiled, sighed, and told Antoninus, “When humans receive anything for free, its value becomes zero. A healthy boundary is essential, even if it is your kindness or charity work.”
Wondering about the answer, Antoninus asked the master again.
“Is being a kind person a problem? Is not kindness a good attribute of a human being?”
Master answered him calmly, “Son, you need to understand that when things are scarce and unavailable, their demand increases. Have you not seen people going behind those who are not friendly or approachable? It is a human character to seek what is difficult to attain. So, it is advisable to extend your kindness within the boundaries. People tend to take you for granted if you do not define the borderline.
Will you set yourself on fire to keep others warm?
The very first rule of kindness is to be kind to yourself. The problem is not your ‘kindness’, but the faulty ways of using it.” Antoninus understood there is no respect in showing endless kindness without setting boundaries. Is it not true with all of us?
We don’t thank the free oxygen we breathe in. We’re not mindful of the streets we walk in. We don’t acknowledge the rainwater. Economists call this phenomenon the ‘Free rider problem‘, where consumers do not value the benefits of free things. The same rule applies to the trait of kindness.
Being nice and kind to other humans is one of my signature strengths. Acknowledging that, I have learned to say NO politely but firmly to set my boundaries clear. And I don’t expect anything in return (no validation, no respect) for being altruistic.
Comment your experience about being kind and setting boundaries below. Or feel free to write to us at mindsonfleek@gmail.com
-Habeeba Waseem, Founder & LifeSkills Coach, MindsOnFleek