Dr Jennifer D’ Andrea, Director of Wesleyan University Counseling Center, in her ’empathy series’, gave us an exercise on mental reflection.
She told us to reflect on a stressful event in the past and the people associated with it. She told us to note down all behaviours, actions and messages of people that were likeable and comfortable during that time and all behaviours that were hurting or irritating and uncomfortable.
Professor emphasized the factor ’empathy’ and how to talk to someone while they are in a difficult situation. This exercise was meant for copying and imitating those comforting behaviours whenever we help others in distress.
Before going into details, I want to give a gist to my readers about the last traumatic event of my life, in which I did the above ‘reflection exercise’.
The Event:
One windy summer night in May, my family and I, distressed and fearful, rushed to the hospital. My husband’s blood pressure dropped drastically without any other symptoms, but he had experienced severe headaches for the past week. He has been a heart patient for the last 14 years(CABG) and underwent a thrombectomy the previous year.
That night, he was diagnosed with arrhythmia and was missing heartbeats- in danger of having a cardiac arrest at any time. The doctors told us that no medication could help him right now, as medicines would slow down his heart further.
His cardiologist suggested one solution, though, an ICD implantation at the earliest- we were perplexed as this implantation required a large amount of money.
Once again, My life went through turbulence without any warning and gave me no time to prepare.
Yet another experience where life and death played hide and seek, and I was a mere spectator.
The only thing I could do was to have faith in the supreme power, pray, and hope for the best. I kept a smile on my face, especially in front of my life partner, who was struggling to keep his spirits up. During those stressful days, my daughters and I initiated crowdfunding to arrange one million, as no one had that much money lying around. We could arrange the funds required and made a good decision to proceed with the implantation.
Let’s go back to the mental reflection: an empathy exercise.
As the implantation experience at the hospital, where we arranged the enormous sum before cardiac arrest happened, was very fresh in my memory, I used this experience to reflect.
Though I noted down others’ behaviours, behaviours that soothed me and behaviours and actions that hurt me, I don’t see the need to disclose it here. Instead, I reflect on my behaviours and actions.
I critically analyzed behaviours that helped me stay calm and composed and those that did not and noted all the factors that enabled healthy trauma growth.
Here are some of the actions (other than praying and feeling grateful) that helped me during the traumatic incident:
Shared Crying: I broke down when I heard that doctor say my husband could have a cardiac arrest anytime, and the only way to save him was implantation. I was crying when he was admitted to the emergency and CCU. I cried to my daughters; they cried to me, and we lent our shoulders to each other. It calmed us down, and we could face the patient with smiles.
Social Soothing: It was very comforting whenever someone asked ‘how I was doing??’. It gave the assurance that someone was concerned about me too. Though I can count only a handful, who were concerned about us, the bystanders, I am thankful to everyone.
Learning: After coming home, it was important for me to distract myself from the constant worry of my husband’s heart-stopping and him receiving an electric shock from the device. I had to be alert as the shock could initiate fainting and associated complications. I took out time to study 1-2 hours a day, which I enjoy the most. It kept me occupied and away from worries.
Sleeping and Eating: I slept whenever I could, not looking at the time. Wherever my husband slept and didn’t require me to be alert, I too slept and took rest. I didn’t skip my meals, as I wanted to be energetic, though I can not recall what I ate and when I ate.
Mindfulness: I found it very challenging to be mindful (being in the present involving all your senses) as I was in a floating state. I tried my best to be mindful in whatever I did, whether attending to my husband, cooking, or anything else.
Digital Detox: I kept my phone away after requesting everyone for the funds, and I did not attend any phone calls and kept only 30 minutes to one hour for checking personal messages or emails. My daughters attended my calls, as we did not want to be “un-respectful” to concerned people. This saved a lot of my energy, which I spent on my husband’s care, rather than getting exhausted by talking and endless updating.
Saying “No”: Refusing to be a part of a drama triangle. I blamed nobody nor took the blames which came on my way. I didn’t allow anyone to take part as the rescuer of the situation and ignored those people who victimized themselves. I choose to say ‘No’ to certain things and people to say ‘Yes’ to many other things.
The lessons I learned from this experience:
- Reach out for help. Many human beings are kind, approachable, and accepting.
- Make gratitude a habit. I cherished the ten rupee morning coffee and the hot shower in the tiny hospital bathroom- I am grateful. When we are thankful, we receive plenty of kindness in return.
- Take a decision and stick to it. Don’t waste precious time taking everybody’s opinions- “100 people have 100 opinions”. When you have to take a decision, be responsible and take a call. The outcomes and consequences are in the future; the future is not ours to see.
- Life and death are not in the hands of any human. We are powerless to decide how many years anybody has in this world. Embracing faith can equip one to get over thanatophobia.
Really Nice to see you back into your writing Spree. I was missing your writing all these days. They have always been my guiding light.
Thank you so much for being there as a mentor.